I have decided that the best way for me to document my experience with the NEW! home occult fecal test (I think Dave Barry would suggest that is an excellent name for a rock band). Yesterday I made it all the way through the instructions and immediately hit a snag: I cannot get the screw on lid of the "poop receptacle" unscrewed. Of course I enjoy weakening grip strength (from an unimpressive previous level), but I have tools and tricks which enable me to open almost anything. But not this thing which I was warned against straining my hand in the process opening. The lid which is apparently tightly sealed against any unintended breach by a random poop is impregnable. Oy. Also, as the turn around time from poop to testing site shall not be longer than 72 hours rules out any Monday holiday involvement: Hello President's Day! Hence, my 2! excellent options today could not be deposited to begin a journey to the mother ship. More hijinks to follow, but likely not until Feb. 16th which I pray will be also "fruitful"........
I left a note for Scott (neighbor to the N.) that I desperately needed someone to open the holy of holies, which of course I did not word thusly. After some struggle (making me feel better), I offered him my gripper solution which is a strip of no slip RV cupboard liner. Huzzah! I am now going to report to the mother ship what it took to gain access, and confirm what the nearest good day is for me to attempt completion. In addition, I will note there is a fabric like square which I first surmised might be a no slip grip provider, but sadly no. And in all the 29 pages of excruciating detailed instructions (see note below), there is NO mention of this item.
...........End of previous posting
Early on a cold President's Day 2021 I successfully made a personal contribution to my health into a plastic bucket suspended under my toilet seat. Without getting too graphic, I can happily report that my sample was of impressive girth, which should provide the desired "scraping" of possible cancerous cells from the lining of the colon.
As instructed, I have placed it on my porch for a stealth pickup by UPS sometime before 8pm. I plan to be home all day, so I can keep a wary eye out for "porch shoppers". I can assure you that should someone take this package, their disappointment will far exceed mine. I will be issued a second test, or get a regular one from an OMG lab. I have plenty more where that came from!
In summary: While the first time involved a lot of written and telephonic communication, the collection is easier and neater. I sure hope I FAILED this test! I would take this test again over the one where you awkwardly pain your feces on cards. In addition to this, I agreed to be included in their user survey which will follow up on results and subsequent actions taken, if any. I thought it my duty as a "competent" senior to be a part of the entire enterprise of delving into our excretory system. I have a FEW serious quibbles with the process they like to do every 5 to 10 years, or upon "passing" this test.
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| A Leap of Faith |
At the risk of sounding fatalistic, I do not know how much I would endure to extend my life. You never know until you are faced with the hard choice. Lots of obituaries laud long fights against cancer, but I would suggest that we should also praise the courage to accept a grim diagnosis as simply the manner in which you will be shown the inevitable door.
Note: There is a small container of liquid labeled "Preservative" which the instructions say on page 22 tell you to open this and pour all of it into the "holy" stool container and to NOT drink it. Folks potentially that daft have no business being active participants their own health care.