Friendship

My history with friendships is narrow, but perhaps deep. I expect to do some depth plumbing soon. First, a little about friendship in my "youth". I put that in quotes as I was a first born to a very neurotic mother and I acquired a sister at 1.5 years, and a brother at 2.5 years. Apparently, from what Mom told me and my current understanding of my formative years, I did not fully inhabit all the standard developmental stages. For sure, I skipped the rebellious teen stage. My sister had such a lock on that shtick that I tried to balance it with compliant self reliance and pseudo maturity. Actually, to be fair, according to some very fine shrinking, I chose that path while still in a crib.

However, I managed one very close friendship in high school: Mary Ann, who I can now see was quite unlike me. In fact, I think that might be the theme of my friendship history: "you, Mary, are a neurotic and uptight little quasi adult and you need to hang with someone more fun than you."

I barely survived high school (emotionally) as it was stocked with high school aged people with whom I felt little (and wanted NO) identification. Mary Ann was my port in that storm. Sadly, we lost our connection when I left Oregon for CSU (like OSU) and she stayed in Portland and went to Reed.  Our choices could not have been less similar. We both married before graduation (though I think she finished, as did I), and we both chose a man who would later need to be divorced. She married an alcoholic (THAT is why she was drawn to me!) and I married a very damaged man who suffered from depression (expressed in anger outward), while my lifelong depression expressed in anger twisted into something just as difficult to live with. The divorce gave us both a chance to get happier.

My friendships in college were similar (few and close) but none survived the inevitable parting of the ways. Themes I have discerned: I am drawn to smart, witty, irreverent, fellow misfits. (If you happen to be one of my friends, please do not be alarmed. You are likely just pretending to be a misfit in order to meet my need for you to seem like one.) Also, it is apparently possible (if not required) that my friends be VERY unlike me temperamentally. I know you must be different in two key ways: you must have a greater desire to be in the world than I, and you must be able to survive my minimalistic tendencies, especially as regards how much time I can be with others. I see myself as an outwardly jolly nihilist who cares about others, but mostly at arm's length. I do care deeply, but being consistently emotionally available is an Olympics level feat for me.

And attracted to opposites

So, dear friend who is still reading this: know that I dearly WANT to be a solid touchstone, a ready ear, a port in the storm, and USEFUL. However, I am me, so please bear that in mind.

Now, an uplifting video:https://www.theweathernetwork.com/us/videos/gallery/massive-pod-of-dolphins-race-boat-along-california-coast-wow/4108330236001/6059961641001/most_popular 

Also a fun photo to "bear in mind".